yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Someone shit on the floor
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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