Cold hands, warm shart.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
