Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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