hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
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I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
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omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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