I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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