after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
