woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
