end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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