[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
