i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
