nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
