I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
