I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
