you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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