I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
