How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
