i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
