i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
