I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
