When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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