i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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