i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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