I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
