do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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