My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
