it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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