I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
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omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
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The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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