wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
