genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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