You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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