Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
