wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
