Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's shark week go big or go home
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
