I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you would pick up someone in the library
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
