Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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