how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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