I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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