I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
