so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
