that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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