I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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