chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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