You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
