I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
