i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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