Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
