Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
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I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.