Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
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you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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