and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
