Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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