I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
