i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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