everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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