the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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