someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm passing your future prison.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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